Monday, August 13, 2007

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a
bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought
it amusing enough to have it published in the New York

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and
letters, - when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other
to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen
employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your
employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of

Let me level the playing field even further . When you
call me, press
buttons as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer
is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date
to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.

# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)

I can't vouch for the authenticity of this, but I got a kick out of reading it.

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