And yet another:

"Two plus two equals five for
sufficiently large values of two."

From another friend:

"You Can Never Be Lost If You Don't Care Where You Are"

From a friend:

"There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who
understand binary and those who don't."

Measures of success, Hillary style

Daily Kos: State of the Nation:

Five Ways Clinton Leads Obama

by Cameron Fredman, in Daily Kos

Mon Mar 24, 2008 at 09:39:37 PM PDT

Over the weekend, Senator Evan Bayh suggested we measure the success of the candidates not by delegates earned, but by the electoral votes of the states they’ve won. In the spirit of Senator Bayh, I present you with five additional metrics that I pulled out of my ass. As you’ll see, Hillary Clinton is either winning or tied with Obama in every case....

"Total number of 'New' States

CLINTON: 4

OBAMA:0

Hilllary Clinton has won New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, and New York. By contrast, Obama has failed to win a single state with the word 'New' in its name. Obama’s failure among self-proclaimed new states, raises serious questions about his supposed strength among young voters (new people) and his supposed message of change (new policies).

Average Highest Elevation

CLINTON: 6135 Feet

OBAMA: 6097 Feet

Frankly, I’m surprised that more attention hasn’t been drawn to this. Obama claims to want to elevate the level of discourse, but he has failed in states with the highest elevations. Clinton has won on Mount Whitney (California), Humphreys Peak (Arizona), Boundary Peak (Nevada), and Wheeler Peak (New Mexico). Perhaps more significantly, there are so few peaks left that despite the close margins, Obama has no hope of regaining the altitude vote. Clinton also leads among states with the highest average mean elevation: (Clinton: 1908.8 feet Obama: 1457.7 feet)."...

Jack Bauer: Eco-Warrior. Friend of Garofalo. Federal Agent.

TNR: "How Liberal Can '24' Get? Flower Bauer by Daniel Chun

'24''s upcoming seventh season appears to mark a different direction for the conservative-leaning action drama. First, producers cast a female president. Then they struck a plan to make the show's production more environmentally friendly, leading to a 'carbon-neutral' season finale. And last week, they cast Janeane Garofalo as federal agent Janis Gold. We got our hands on some scripts from the next season, and it looks a new era for the show. A sneak peek:
EPISODE 1: 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM Int. CTU - day JACK BAUER talks to JANIS GOLD.
JANIS GOLD Our source tells us that the terrorists' plan is blow up Broward Dam. This would create mass flooding, cut power to the entire state, and destroy the habitat of the tidewater goby.
JACK BAUER Dammit! Without that goby, what will our local heron population eat?
JANIS GOLD Try not to think about that.
JACK BAUER I can't help it! Every link in the food chain matters! Jack punches his hand through a wall.
JACK BAUER (CONT'D) Chloe, get me a schematic of the dam's facilities.
CHLOE O'BRIAN I'm on it. Let me power up my". Let me power up my computer.

Chloe mounts an exercise bike connected to a power generator into which her computer is plugged. She pedals furiously. Her computer slowly boots up.

JANIS GOLD
We don't have much time, Chloe! Pedal harder!

Chloe pedals harder.

JANIS GOLD (CONT'D)
(to Jack, proudly) Did you know that just ten minutes of pedaling powers her computer for an hour?

CHLOE O'BRIAN
Not to mention burns calories and improves my heart health.

Jack nods, impressed and a little inspired. ...

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a
bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought
it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only
eight
years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and
letters, - when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the
impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood
person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must
nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other
person
to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen
employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your
employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further . When you
call me, press
buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to
nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer
is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date
to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.

# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)

I can't vouch for the authenticity of this, but I got a kick out of reading it.

Barry Bonds Not Certain He'll Be Present For His 755th Home Run

The Onion :

SAN FRANCISCO—Barry Bonds added his voice to the chorus of criticism surrounding his inevitable breaking of the all-time home-run record Monday, saying he was 'so sick and damn tired' with the constant comment that he himself may not be present for the feat. 'Hank Aaron, Bud Selig, all these guys making a big deal over whether or not they'll be in the stands when Bonds finally does it—I think I'm starting to know how they feel,' Bonds said. 'Hell, I don't even like the guy that much. If the team allows me to sit that one out, I just might.' Bonds admitted that he would, however, watch the historic moment on television, albeit with the sound off.

Sounds right to me.

Another Rabbi Joke

Divinity is in the Details:

One Saturday morning, a mother went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the Synagogue, to which he replied : 'I'm... not... going.'

'Why not?' she asked sternly.

'I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. 'One, they don't like me,
and two, I don't like them.'

His mother replied:

'I'll give YOU two good reasons why you MUST go to the Synagogue.
ONE you're 54 years old, and TWO, you're the Rabbi...'

Rabbi Joke

Divinity is in the Details:

An older Rabbi is moving on and giving advice to the newly hired Rabbi who is fresh out of school. The older fellow gives all sorts of pointers from how to manage conflict on the board to which tunes are preferred for Adon Olam. Lastly, before heading to Florida the retiring Rabbi says 'Take these three envelopes, they are the most powerful gift I can give you. If you ever have a problem you aren't sure you can solve, open an envelope. Be judicious in your use of these. They will tell you how to move forward but increase in power. Use other options first.'

Years go by and things go well for the the new rabbi. But over several months tensions reach a fever-pitch in discussing intermarriage. Unsure what to do after having tried most ways of framing the issue the Rabbi opens envelope #1: inside he finds a 3x5 card with the following written neatly on it:

Name a Committee.

The Rabbi quickly complies and the committee makes a recommendation several months later. It isn't universally loved but it works.

Another few years go by uneventfully but eventually the issue of whether to hire a gay youth group advisor develops. There are enormously strong feelings and the Rabbi opens envelope #2:

Call for a Community Meeting. Facilitate it Carefully.

By some miracle this works. A conclusion is reached and though it isn't truly a consensus, for the dissenters, feeling heard is enough to help them feel comfortable staying around.

Some years go by and this time the conflict is very bad. There is a near brawl between members of the old and new guards over a wide variety of issues. The Rabbi creates a committee to study the problem, calls a townhall meeting, and pretty much does everything the Rabbi can think of. None of it works. In a moment of anguish and frustration, the Rabbi finally opens envelope #3:

Write Out a New Set of Envelopes.

This comes from the blog of a young friend, himself the son of a prominent rabbi (also a longtime friend). I've been around long enough to know the joke, and the one that follows, but I put them in the category of oldies but goodies and post them here. Some readers may find them of contemporary relevance.

Medical Mal-practice?

The Reference Table of Fun :

Three surgeons are talking when one of them said, 'I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.'

One of the others said; 'That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.'

The third surgeon said; 'You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States!

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Reference Table of Fun :

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. ...
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. ...

7 . Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8 . Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. ...

12 . Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you...

14 . Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. ...

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest,
in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. coffee: n. the person upon whom one coughs. ...

3. abdicate: v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. ...

6. negligent: adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. ...

12. rectitude: n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon: n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster: n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism: n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

One does notice the recurrence of certain themes...

[I'm not quite sure of the actual source of this posting, or the attribution.]

Bush Reclaims Power After Colonoscopy

New York Times

Bush Says Democrats Are Playing Politics on Iraq

New York Times

John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011

The Onion :

AMES, IA—In an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office.

'Many bad things are not just bad—they're terrible,' said a beaming Edwards, whose 'Only the Good Things' proposal builds upon previous efforts to end poverty, outlaw startlingly loud noises, and offer tax breaks to those who smile frequently. ...

"Imagine a world free of procrastination, class disparity, and itchiness," Edwards said. "It will only be possible if we try." ...

Republican front-runner Rudolph Giuliani attacked Edwards Tuesday for labeling things as bad when they may actually turn out to be good in the long run. ..."On a personal note, I rather like cloudy days, and I don't want to live in a world where they don't exist."

Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

The Onion :

KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine.

'Oh, for Jiminy Cricket,' Edna, 52, said Monday after returning from the trip, a 30th anniversary gift from her daughters. 'Why the girls thought either one of us would find such an experience enjoyable is beyond me.'" ...

Thinking that "once they got settled, they would at least be able to relax," the Schumachers realized upon entering their suite that there was no escape from the crippling awkwardness that awaited them. At the sight of the red plush carpeting, red light bulbs, garish neo-Victorian nudes, and ceiling mirrors above the waterbed, Duane said he began having a severe attack of acid reflux. ...

As the romantic weekend away from home progressed, so did the aging couple's agony. ...On Saturday morning, the couple said they were informed that FantasyLand Suites does not offer morning newspapers—leading Duane to spend close to an hour angrily bellowing, "What do I have to do to just get a copy of the paper?!" ...

"We've been married for 30 years. There comes a point in a man and woman's life when you're happy just to get a good night's sleep," Duane said.

The Six Stages of E-Mail

New York Times: By NORA EPHRON

Help! I’m drowning. I have 112 unanswered e-mail messages. I’m a writer — imagine how many unanswered messages I would have if I had a real job. Imagine how much writing I could do if I didn’t have to answer all this e-mail. My eyes are dim. I have a mild case of carpal tunnel syndrome. I have a galloping case of attention deficit disorder because every time I start to write something, the e-mail icon starts bobbing up and down and I’m compelled to check whether anything good or interesting has arrived. It hasn’t. Still, it might, any second now. And yes it’s true — I can do in a few seconds with e-mail what would take much longer on the phone, but most of my messages are from people who don’t have my phone number and would never call me in the first place. In the brief time it took me to write this paragraph, three more messages arrived. Now I have 115 unanswered messages. Strike that: 116.

Elizabeth Edwards Viciously Attacks Ann Coulter

Jon Swift:

It's really sad the way Elizabeth Edwards has debased our political dialogue by confronting pundits with their own words and threatening their livelihoods. If John Edwards is elected President, this will just give his wife a bigger platform to use the language of hate against political commentators like Coulter who are only trying to make a living. If Coulter is silenced then all we will have left is Jules Crittenden, who is neither pleasing to look at nor particularly funny. America would only have itself to blame.

This is nicely done. My first visit to Jon Swift; undoubtedly not my last. Check out his collected Amazon book reviews, and the Uncyclopedia (all new to me, clever, and funny).

The Academic Ethicist

The Chronicle: : Dear Academic Ethicist,

I am what you might call a 'rising star' in the field of architectural history. Last year my book, Abstract Concrete, received the Rauschenberg Prize for best book on postcontemporary architecture. I was delighted — until I learned that the award was sponsored by the Hebrew University's School of Architecture, in Jerusalem. Needless to say, I immediately turned down the prize and the invitation to an award banquet at the university. Not only was I concerned that by accepting I would be imperiling relations with my colleagues and friends in the European architectural scene, but I was also worried that I might be sacrificing my chances of being published in Critical Inquiry and the London Review of Books. Compounding my ethical dilemma, I feared that by attending the dinner, I would be expressing moral support for, and deriving personal nutritional gain from, expansionist Zionist politics. To my shock, a couple of colleagues claimed I was behaving in an anti-Semitic fashion. Have I done anything wrong? ...

Follow the link.

Nine other oaths Karl Rove could swear to Congress

Slate Magazine (an oldie but goodie): By Hart Seely

1. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth, maintaining an overall average of at least 70 percent truth, subject to later verification by an independent panel, so help you God?

2. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, but in ways that are carefully cloaked in metaphor and allegory, so they require lengthy interpretation, in a Zen sort of way, so help you Buddha?

3. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, unless in your opinion we are not worthy of it, in which case you shout like Jack Nicholson in that movie, 'The truth? You can't handle the truth!' so help us all?

4. Do you solemnly swear to answer all questions in a semitruthful fashion and not claim things that are totally ridiculous, such as that George Bush actually reads a book every week, so that we all don't have to sit here and feel embarrassed by what you're saying, so help you God?

5. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, except for when you claim that you can't remember, in which case we promise not to press the issue and later bring forth Tim Russert to testify that you are nothing but a dirty liar?...

And, in memory of Richard Rorty:

6. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, with the understanding that—hey, who are we kidding here?—there is no real truth, life is an illusion, and let's all get together later and smoke up a doobie, so help you God?

Woody Allen’s Universe, Still Expanding, Is as Absurd as Ever

New York Times:

But always lurking is what he regards as the great cosmic joke. A man in Getting Even asks his uncle: “Could it not be simply that we are alone and aimless, doomed to wander in an indifferent universe, with no hope of salvation, nor any prospect except misery, death, and the empty reality of eternal nothing?” The uncle replies, “You wonder why you’re not invited to more parties.”