Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

The Onion :

KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine.

'Oh, for Jiminy Cricket,' Edna, 52, said Monday after returning from the trip, a 30th anniversary gift from her daughters. 'Why the girls thought either one of us would find such an experience enjoyable is beyond me.'" ...

Thinking that "once they got settled, they would at least be able to relax," the Schumachers realized upon entering their suite that there was no escape from the crippling awkwardness that awaited them. At the sight of the red plush carpeting, red light bulbs, garish neo-Victorian nudes, and ceiling mirrors above the waterbed, Duane said he began having a severe attack of acid reflux. ...

As the romantic weekend away from home progressed, so did the aging couple's agony. ...On Saturday morning, the couple said they were informed that FantasyLand Suites does not offer morning newspapers—leading Duane to spend close to an hour angrily bellowing, "What do I have to do to just get a copy of the paper?!" ...

"We've been married for 30 years. There comes a point in a man and woman's life when you're happy just to get a good night's sleep," Duane said.