Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

The Onion :

KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine.

'Oh, for Jiminy Cricket,' Edna, 52, said Monday after returning from the trip, a 30th anniversary gift from her daughters. 'Why the girls thought either one of us would find such an experience enjoyable is beyond me.'" ...

Thinking that "once they got settled, they would at least be able to relax," the Schumachers realized upon entering their suite that there was no escape from the crippling awkwardness that awaited them. At the sight of the red plush carpeting, red light bulbs, garish neo-Victorian nudes, and ceiling mirrors above the waterbed, Duane said he began having a severe attack of acid reflux. ...

As the romantic weekend away from home progressed, so did the aging couple's agony. ...On Saturday morning, the couple said they were informed that FantasyLand Suites does not offer morning newspapers—leading Duane to spend close to an hour angrily bellowing, "What do I have to do to just get a copy of the paper?!" ...

"We've been married for 30 years. There comes a point in a man and woman's life when you're happy just to get a good night's sleep," Duane said.

Shark Family Values

Study: Female Sharks Fertilize Own Eggs - From The New York Times:

DUBLIN, Ireland (AP) -- Female sharks can fertilize their own eggs and give birth without sperm from males, according to a new study of the asexual reproduction of a hammerhead in a U.S. zoo.

The joint Northern Ireland-U.S. research, being published Wednesday in the Royal Society's peer-reviewed Biology Letter journal, analyzed the DNA of a shark born in 2001 in the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Neb. The shark was born in a tank with three potential mothers, none of whom had contact with a male hammerhead for at least three years.

Where is Jerry Falwell now that we need him?

More on marriage vs. civil unions

Couples Enter New Terrain in Push for Gay Marriage in Connecticut - From The New York Times:

“We want all the trappings that go with the word,” said Ms. Martin, who is raising two children with Ms. Howard in Stratford. “When you walk in some place and say that you are married, that means something. What would we say, that we are civilized? Unionized? It just doesn’t have the same ring.”

Both supporters and opponents of same-sex marriage recognize the importance of words in the debate.

William B. Rubenstein, a law professor at the University of California at Los Angeles and author of “Sexual Orientation and the Law,” said the “symbolic naming” is hard to dismiss.

“In a way, it seems that this is both a harder and easier lawsuit than what has existed elsewhere,” Mr. Rubenstein said. “It is not looking to rework a whole entire system. All that is being asked to change is very minimal, and so you are fighting over wording. But wording has held up legal battles for a long time.”